AOL is Buying TechCrunch

Maybe I should think about renaming this blog to Arringum, because this guy is pretty much at the center of all the bullshit gossip I like to read about. You read correctly. AOL is on the verge of buying TechCrunch.

AOL used to own the internet. Now, all it owns is a homepage that gets traffic from old people and people who don't know how to change their default homepage (same thing). So, their strategy has become: BUY BLOGS. That way, they can send their homepage traffic to their own sites, but while making it look like life and internet is fair. It would be kind of like if Kanye West produced a compilation of Christmas songs by different artists, but it was actually tracks of Kanye pretending to be Lil Wayne, Justin Bieber and Sting. He would also own Lil Wayne, Justin Bieber and Sting, I think, for that analogy to entirely work.

I think AOL buying TechCrunch is smart because they don't own a giant technology blog.

Facebook Phone is Being Written About

Oh my God I hope you're not missing the big blogger party going on the past few days. You've got TechCrunch just writing as many posts as possible about this half-assed Facebook phone story they wrote (I think somewhere in that post it says something like, "We think Facebook might be killing Native Americans with the new phone. Not confirmed, but it makes sense with the holiday season coming up and all"). Then there's Mashable first up with a TechCrunch smackdown, which basically says, YOUR STORY IS WRONG, OUR BLOG IS STILL BETTER. You've got an interview with Mark Zuckerberg where Jason Kincaid is like, "This is all about 0.facebook.com, right?" and Zucks is like, "What's 0.facebook.com?" You've got Robert Scoble reviewing the Facebook iPhone app for some reason.

Basically, this has been my favorite days in life so far.

An Asshole Walks into a Bar

Arringtonman from TechCrunch got a little ridiculous the other day. He found out about this private meeting of angel investors at a fancy fance bar. One guy told him that he wouldn't be welcome there, but he showed up anyway. They were basically like "whoa whoa" and he was like, okay fine, I'll leave. And then he did a story on it the next day.

Have you ever found out about a private party and then been told, "You won't be welcome there," and then drove your car there, showed up, left, and then DID JOURNALISM ON THEM? What was he expecting to accomplish by going there? Gosh. That would be such ballsy Woodward and Bernstien shit if someone went all the way over there and so totally fucking SHOWED UP, THEN LEFT.

This actually happened, folks. When he enters the room, here's what happens:

[Arrington]: Hey!

Person who was talking: oh, oh no.

[Arrington]: Hi. I heard you guys were here and I wanted to stop by and say hi.

Them: dead silence.

[Arrington]: so….

Them: Deafening silence.

[Arrington]: This is usually where you guys say “sit down, have a drink.”

Them: not one sound

[Arrington]: This is awkward. I guess I’ll be leaving now.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm thinking, isn't this what happens when Michael Arrington enters ANY room? More from the post:

Lively conversations often die quickly when I arrive...

Oh. I guess that is what happens when he enters a room. Like, that was kind of just a joke there. I mean, it's an exaggeration -- like, this doesn't happen when Michael Arrington enters ANY room. Things couldn't possibly go completely silent everywhere he goes. Like imagine him entering a pool party or his family reunion or the MISSISSAUGA DODGE RODEO TOUR CHAMPIONSHIPS. Those rooms probably wouldn't go silent.

But I guess I was right -- Michael Arrington is a destroyer of conversations. That's what journalism is. Mostly, showing up and destroying conversations.

The QUE eReader Dies of iPad

You guys, remember that ten thousand dollar eReader? It was like the Don Draper of eReaders. 

The QUE won't come out -- instead, the company is admitting defeat and moving on to their gen 2 product. 

[The QUE is Dead via GeekBeat.tv]

President of the United States of HP Resigns!

Former HP CEO, Mark Hurd, angrily clenches his expense report and picks his face with his other hand.

Oh my gosh guys -- there's technology on the front of the New York Times. Like, something of sensationalism in the tech bubble burst through that bubble into the bubble which usually covers Pakistan things.

So, here's the summary: We found out that Mark Hurd, the dude who headed HP and made them some big bucks, was involved in a sexual harassment sort of thing -- HP homies heard about this and then they were like: What the heck? And then they were like: Well, that's no big deal, look at how he fudged his expense reports! FIRE HIM! So, he resigned. I mean, fudging expense reports is something that no Silicon Valley executive would ever do.

You know what makes this even better? You know how Hurd got to be HP's chairman? He did some spying and found out that the old chairman was SPYING! Homeboy was spying on the board, some employees and some journalists -- so they ousted that d-bag and threw in Hurd! That's how he got the job! It's like, have you Hurd (!) that a Justin Timberlake and Timbaland collaboration song?: "But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find: CEOs who oust CEOs for corporate scandals shall be ousted as CEO for other corporate scandals (or fudging expenses, whatever), comes back around." Something like that.

Foursquare may waste more money soon

I would like to thank Michael Arrington for this sentence: 

Andreessen Horowitz looks to be preparing to check-in to Foursquare to take an investor badge.

Arrington is like a professional game of Scrabble because, man, he can PLAY WITH WORDS.

As long as we're talking about investing in Foursquare, let's talk about investing in Foursquare. They've only pulled together about a million dollars in funding (which is kind of pitiful). Now they're looking for more. So, it costs the low low price of more than a million dollars to create an app that can't make money and crashes before it opens. Please let me check-in to that investment with badges until I'm the mayor of the special nearby!  

Apple sues HTC like a little bitch

Apple is suing HTC/Android for making a better iPhone. In the statement, here's what Steve said of the HTC/Google Nexus One: "We can sit by and watch competitors steal our patented inventions, or we can do something about it. We've decided to do something about it."

C'mon Steve. You're not, like, Thomas Edison or Benjamin Franklin. The iPhone isn't like a cotton gin or something. You didn't invent electricity. It's a screen with a phone behind it. It's an MP3 player attached to a cell phone. I can make one of those with duct tape. 

The iPhone had its moment and honestly -- it changed mobile devices forever. But that was years ago. Now comes the hard part. You have to keep innovating. Steve's just pissed because they're overdue for a new iPhone/PowerBook/everything version. So quit being a little bitch and release some new shit.

The price of ebooking according to enewspapers

There have been talkings of the price of ebooking -- mostly, the idea that ebooking should be really cheap and probably that publishers will over-charge and get in the way. But I read today's New York Times on my iPad this morning and found that one courageous journo named Motoko Rich ventured to find the true cost of booking and ebooking. It turns out that Motoko Rich's ideas are not quite as futuristic as his name. 

He talks of dollars and sense and throws figures around and comes to this basic conclusion: The publishing profit margin per book is about $4.05 on regular books and about $4.56 to $5.54 on ebooking. Now, not even accounting for the shoddy pseudo-science he used to arrive at those figures, I think we can agree that the publisher is making a whole lot more money by selling you 101100101's as opposed to selling you paper printed and bound with glue and cardboard, stored in warehouses and flown all over the world, and then arriving at Waldenbooks. 

And yet, Motoko Rich spends the rest of the article explaining why publishers should charge more for ebooking. Like, these sentences: 

“If you want bookstores to stay alive, then you want to slow down this movement to e-books,” said Mike Shatzkin, chief executive of the Idea Logical Company, a consultant to publishers. “The simplest way to slow down e-books is not to make them too cheap.” 

Actually, that's the simplest way for you to make more money on them.

It's 2010. I've been reading everything on my computer for the past 100 years and you think that ebooking, which is barely alive right now, is moving too quickly? Here's my impression of you: "If you want rabbits to stay alive, then you want to slow down this movement to wolverines. The simplest way to slow down wolverines is to not make them too cheap." Hey, Mike Shatzkin of Idea Logical Company: That was neither an idea nor a logical one. 

And I can't help but imagine our journo friend, Motoko Rich, sitting in a cubicle at some New York Times office writing this story. Zoom out to reveal that every single cubicle on his whole floor is empty. What happened HERE? Did everyone get fired? Yes. And no. Some are just blogging at home. 

Ebooks are the same kind of revolution as blogging -- one that does not involve publishers. Publishers will no longer be the gatekeepers for publishing. Self-publishing will no longer be something that only motivational speakers do. With an ebook infrastructure, we don't need publishers. Anyone can publish. So that $5 cut of my ebook just vanishes. The end. 

Photo via goXunuReviews